In today’s modern world, parents are flooded with information on how to raise their children. Many experts advocate for allowing the kiddos to express their feelings freely, advising parents to acknowledge every reaction, even if it messes with our nervous system. We’re advised to kneel down, make eye contact, and tell them gently that we understand their feelings. It is said that the way to communicate, even to our 3-year-old child, is: “Yes, you are angry. I can understand that, but we need to do it like that because bla bla bla…” So the question arises: Does this approach truly help?
“Despite my gentle approach, why did my 3-year-old son start peeing unintentionally and hitting himself? What’s going on?”
Perplexed, this was the first question my husband and I asked our psychologist. To our surprise, she noted that we were talking too much with our son. Inadvertently seeking our son’s input on too many decisions, even though it was just to boost his confidence.
“We have meat and rice for dinner, is this alright with you?”
Jean Piaget, a Swiss psychologist discovered that children grasp concrete concepts, not abstract ones, before the age of 12. Our psychologist recommended providing clear measurements in our communication. Such as stating, “Dinner starts when the long hand of the clock reaches here” or setting limits on crying/shouting by saying things like “You are allowed to cry or shout 2 times each morning and if it happens a third time, you will lose your permission to watch your favorite cartoon today.”
Furthermore, she urged us not to seek our child’s decision on every matter, as it can induce anxiety and a sense of uncertainty. Establishing routines and rules, akin to a protective membrane, enables a child to predict their day.
Are we drowning in too much parenting information to trust our instincts?
Dr. Gabor Mate, a renowned writer and speaker argues that the influx of parenting advice has dulled our instincts. We strive to do what’s right but often disregard our inner voice. He gives an example for sleep training. Sleep training advises against cuddling crying babies, conflicting with our instinct to just go there, cuddle and comfort them. I believe that is the same with many approaches for children’s psychology and training.
The Rise of the “Yes!” Generation
I refer to this generation as the “Yes Generation,” as many struggles to accept “no” as an answer. However, life is not a bed of roses, and this inclination may pose challenges in adulthood. How will they cope with rejection in the workplace? What if one day their director tells them that they can’t have a day off even if they are very tired, because there are too many tasks to finish. Will s/he shout at him? Resign? Have a nervous breakdown?
This trend has broader implications, contributing to high turnover rates in HR departments. Motivating the new generation of employees to navigate conflicts with supervisors is a significant challenge, impacting not just children’s psychology, but the entire society economically.
Life is not all about saying “Yes!” It’s about handling “No!” and finding solutions.
So, what to do?
1. Space to Talk: Creating a safe space to talk is crucial. Establish a dedicated time for open communication, like our nightly “surprise cup sessions.”We put some fruit and snacks inside a cup and close it. Our son opens it and discovers what is inside while we play games, look at photos taken in school, talk… It helps my son to sleep faster and easier. We can also address undesirable behaviors and try to find possible solutions, which provide a platform for connection.
2. Formulate Your Rules With Measurements: Utilize clocks and sand glasses to set clear expectations.
“When will daddy come?”
“We’ll turn sandglass upside down 2 times, then he will be here.”
This method helps regulate emotions.
3. You Are The Captain: Emphasize your role as the authority figure. While democracy is vital, children may not be ready for major decisions, as decision making can create anxiety for them. Providing structure, rules, and safety fosters a sense of security.
“This is what we have for dinner, and you should eat it so you don’t go to bed hungry.”
Children like rules, routines and to have someone in charge. This creates a sense of safety for them. In conclusion, my advice as a parent would be to look beyond the superficial content on social media, and to trust your instincts.
Never forget that you are raising the teenager and the adult with whom you will live together for many years. Be cautious in your methods, for they shape your future alongside your child’s. Listen to your parental instincts—they will guide you.